Deadly Counseling — JoyfulSurrender.com

Originally posted on JoyfulSurrender.com: A few weeks ago I posted a simple question to survivors of domestic violence in a few online forums. The question was, ” Could you share?examples of bad counsel you’ve received from churches and counselors?” In less than an hour I had over 50 responses. Below are?just some the answers…

via Deadly Counseling — JoyfulSurrender.com

I shared this article a couple years ago, but am sharing it again, because people need to be reminded that domestic abuse is very real, but most “advice” or “counsel” coming from the “churches” is deadly. Spouses (especially women) being abused need to seek help until they find REAL help that will recognize what’s happening.

To refresh your minds: Abuse is not only physical; it can be emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, sexual, etc. Anything that puts the victim down, increases the power of the abuser over her/him. (Yes, women can be abusers, too, though it is more common for men to be, from sheer difference of strength.)

Emotional and mental abuse can be some of the most damaging because it is much harder to recognize, and does its dirty work in the heart and spirit where nobody can see it. Sexual abuse happens in marriage too, sometimes causing secret physical damage that is extremely difficult to talk about.

Abuse is ALWAYS WRONG, and those who think they may be experiencing it must try to get help, even if they have to keep trying and trying until someone believes them. Even if you have to go to some kind of domestic abuse support group connected to social services, as they RECOGNIZE the signs, and can offer more helpful information than most “christian” churches. I hate to say that, but it took me nearly 20 years to get help because NONE of the “christians” I knew could say anything better than what you read in the above article, and I didn’t know how or where to find help elsewhere. (By the way, ALL of the mentioned “christians” — but one –forsook me when I finally found REAL help and said “enough is enough.”)

With an Abuser, Nothing is Off Limits — JoyfulSurrender.com

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October), I asked the ladies in our online group to share their stories and the challenges and difficulties they faced while in their abusive situations. Here’ the first in a series. Many thanks to this dear woman for taking the time to write this. Please pray for her […]

via With an Abuser, Nothing is Off Limits — JoyfulSurrender.com

In sympathy with all the women who suffer in silence, not knowing where to get help.

In honour of all the women who have found the courage to break free from this pernicious cycle that destroys them from within.

In honour of all the men who reject abusiveness, and choose instead to love and respect their wives, cherishing them as they promised to do…

And mostly, I desire to honour and glorify the Lord, whose name is exalted above the heavens!!

Ugly Truth — Not So Random Words

This post is not going to be pretty. It will ruffle feathers. It will also be terribly long. Some will say I’m wrong for airing our laundry out in the streets. If you follow this blog in any capacity, you will know transparency is what I’m all about. Quite frankly, I don’t like secrets. They […]

via Ugly Truth — Not So Random Words

Parents, be warned. Don’t be so naive. Know that these things can and do happen. Even by their own family members, as happened to my own sons. Don’t be so cowardly or selfish that you won’t get help if you know what is happening.

I grieve at this mother’s story. It happened much worse to my own chihldren, but I didn’t find out until it was too late. We all pray it won’t happen to our own children, but it can, and sometimes does. So quit hiding your heads, and stop thinking your children are better than others. I found out truth the hard way.

BE VIGILANT!!

Why am I so Confused? A Look at Non-violent Abuse.

“Why am I so confused? Why does it seem like I am the only one to blame for everything? Am I really that bad of a person?” she asked herself.

She tried to do better; tried to please him as much as possible in every detail. She forced herself to submit to every demand, however unjust, so she could be a “good Christian wife”.

But nothing helped. He got more demanding, more implacable as time went on. The usual cold shoulder silent treatment with which he punished her was so hostile, she could feel the lightning bolts strike her heart with deadly intensity.

By the time she had been married three years, she was sure of her mistake. But she was a Christian, and didn’t believe in divorce…

Her child was born with a medical problem that put it immediately into NICU. The postpartum depression (baby blues) had hit her pretty hard, and having the baby an hour away in NICU was very difficult, emotionally and physically. The daily drive to see him was dreadfully tiring, but when the nurses offered her a room so she could stay with her baby, her husband denied it to her; he “needed her at home”, etc., etc.

What was even worse, was that for some unknown reason — again — that hostile silence had been for days brooding over her head. She suspected it was because she didn’t “feel like it” after just giving birth, but, as usual, he wouldn’t say. She just suffered…

At this time, they were expecting company, and the hour of visitors approached. She knew what would happen, and sure enough, about the time they drove up the drive, he had switched into what she called his “sickeningly sweet mode”. He became — as is common for abusers — a most attentive, loving husband, always ready to serve her. It sickened her, because she knew that if she tried to say even one word about how he treated her up to two minutes before their arrival, she would look like an ungrateful, whiny complainer. After all, “look how GOOD he treats her! Wish MY husband was that nice! What a loser!!”

And, true to form, the minute their visit was over, he returned to his hostile silent treatment.

There was no fight, no screaming. There was some attempt by her to try to figure out what she had done. There was a plea to attend that marriage seminar coming up, which they had mentioned as being helpful to relationships. But he claimed HE had no need of that conference, and if there was a problem, it was HER who had the problem, shutting her down again.

She couldn’t see what was wrong; she could only feel it. And how do you describe a feeling of indefinable oppression, when at every turn he looked so good to others? After all, he was a good provider; and he didn’t physically beat her…

So, WHAT WAS WRONG?? It really did appear that she was just a bad person, and her temper outbursts didn’t help that appearance. But an indescribable something was provoking her, and try as she might, she couldn’t stop having outbursts. In fact, they kept getting worse…

*********
This is one look at abuse that can’t be seen with the untrained eye. There are no bruises, at least not outward ones. There is really nothing to SEE, therefore those suffering from this type of abuse can be the most confused and self-blaming of all. The abuser’s secret manipulation of emotions and mental faculties creates incredible insecurity and self-doubt.

This happens in the churches as surely as out. The marriage counselling they offer — IF the abuser will even attend — is not capable of dealing with abuse, simply because an abuser (male or female) is a master at looking good, while making the other party look bad. (Not that it’s very hard to make an emotional basket case look bad…!)

And one thing being taught in many churches is that the wife is to submit to her husband, no matter what. This contributes to the incidence of hidden abuse. Another teaching contributing to this ugly fact is that many believers are taught that God hates and condemns ALL divorce, regardless of circumstances. Both these teachings permit abuse to continue. Both are half truths, which are pernicious and dangerous.

My husband and I have addressed this issue in a book, which we hope will help both men and women understand what true biblical submission is. If you are interested, please contact me via this blog, and we can arrange how to get a book to you.

Ahed Tamimi Explains the Scourge of Zionism — Stephen Lendman

Ahed Tamimi Explains the Scourge of Zionism by Stephen Lendman (stephenlendman.org – Home – Stephen Lendman) Zionism fosters militarism, belligerence, fascism, racism, state-sponsored terrorism, collective punishment, and blaming victims for crimes committed against them, along with disdain for democratic values and rule of law principles. Its ideological extremism harms Jews and non-Jews alike – defending…

via Ahed Tamimi Explains the Scourge of Zionism — Stephen Lendman

Will Abuse in the Church Overshadow Greear’s “Gospel Above All” Agenda? — JoyfulSurrender.com

“Many Christian wives were told to submit to abusive husbands as long as they weren’t asking them to sin,”

Submitting to abuse is itself a sin because it enables the abuser to continue sinning against you. Contact me through this page if you are in this kind of sticky situation, and want to understand what the bible has to say about submission. My husband and I have authored a book on the topic; and we think women will find it greatly enlightening and freeing, while men will see where they have been deceived by false teaching, too. We will send you a book free of charge; we don’t want to burden anyone who needs help.

I couldn’t help but think how often the gospel has been tarnished by evangelical churches in their handling of domestic violence and sexual abuse, and couldn’t help but think that if nothing changes, the gospel will continued to be maligned by the very people who claim its power.

via Will Abuse in the Church Overshadow Greear’s “Gospel Above All” Agenda? — JoyfulSurrender.com

What Adult Bullying Does to You, and How to Overcome it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201806/what-adult-bullying-does-you-and-how-overcome-it

While I don’t agree with everything this writer says, I do heartily agree with most of it. Being the recipient of adult bullying myself, I know first hand how deeply hurtful it can be — especially when it comes from FAMILY. The wounds can go very deep, and may take a long time to heal, but they can be overcome.

BE ENCOURAGED.